Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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