he thought i was a dude.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
