I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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