then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
