i need an iv and a liver transplant
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
