when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
