She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
