Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
