i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
