Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
