My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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