turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
