we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think my fart just growled at me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
