Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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