So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
