nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
