New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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