The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
