I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
