it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
