I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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