God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
