I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
