I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
