I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
