He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
