The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
