Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
