Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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