She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
