Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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