you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
