plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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