it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
