do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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