I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
