this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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