Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
