I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
