I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
