I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
sex in a hospital.. check
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
