I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
