it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
