I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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