awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Boobs speak an international language.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
