All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
