drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
