"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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