Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
