WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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