I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
