I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
