Swine flu. Run for my life!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
