Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
