Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
