so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
